Keep Plowing Through

Processed with VSCO with b1 presetLast Tuesday I started a journey to have a healthier life style. With a weight loss program in my home, my best friend as my health coach and my families support I was excited. It was like Christmas morning! I’ve been wanting to be happy in my own skin for so long, taking the first step was such a breath of fresh air and hope. I was warned that it would be a struggle in the beginning as a lifestyle change can cause your body to have a mini meltdown. I didn’t care. I was sooooooooo ready.

I discovered something this week. I am a food addict. Not like a foodie who loves all things fine dining and fresh ingredients. (don’t get me wrong I do love those things but theres nothing like some grease) I’m talking like Food Addict who needs carbs, sugar and all things awful for you to function in a day. I’ve never been a drug addict or an alcoholic so I’m not 100% sure what detoxing looks like but I detoxed this past week ….. HARD! I didn’t really make this discovery until we were out all day and it was late and I needed to feed my kids.

Let me just start by saying my kids are active, healthy eating kids. Plus we are a short, fun sized family. My 4 year old just reached 30lbs this month. My 3 year old can still wear 6 months pants. My 1 1/2 year old, even though he is pretty stocky he’s only like 23lbs.  For years we have actually been trying to put weight on our 2nd child, she’s always been petite and her new love for PB&Js has finally started to help.  The point of all that is…. my kids need a fatty meal every now and then.

The quickest, cheapest and closest thing to home was of course McDonalds. Everyone in the car  ordered a meal, except momma. I was gonna be strong. I even posted a picture to hold my self accountable.
17522854_1215950651853240_2511721430588753197_nIt wasn’t till later that evening that I realized food is a weakness for me. My kids ate, my husband ate, I ate my approved meal and got the kids ready for bed. I had a slight meltdown amidst the kids meal. But later in the middle of the night while I was trying to get my youngest to go back to sleep the overwhelming feeling came over me. I was fixing him a bottle and I threw something away and there it sat. McDonalds food. IN THE TRASH. Greasy, salty, low quality food sitting in my trash can staring at me. To my mind though it looked like a glowing gem atop a velvet pedestal waiting for me to reach out and take it.

Just writing this makes me think back to a couple days ago and be like “WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU SAYING! It was in the trash, you hate trash and all things contaminated. You actually considered eating food from it?” Yes, I did. I considered it. Its hard for me to get my own head around.

I felt like I stood there debating myself and arguing with my flesh for hours. It was only seconds. Luckily my son made a loud noise and I snapped back to what I was doing but still, the experience was one I hope to remember for a long time.

Over the week I’ve come to grips with facts and realities of things I don’t need to eat and things I need to stay away from. I’ve cried over a few things. Crazy I know. All of these reactions were the results of the changes I am making mentally and physically and I know that emotions go a tad crazy in adjustments. Still talk about reality check.

This past week I’ve cried over the reality that I won’t be eating bread on a daily basis like I use to. Or the fact that cupcakes as a stress relief to a highly stressed person is not a good idea.  A year ago I would joke about stores who stocked shelves with sugar free, low sodium and fat free items. My thought was always, that’s all the stuff that makes food good. If it’s not cooked with a stick of butter why bother.

Now I’m not saying I’m to the place where the new foods I’m eating taste far better then all the sugary, salty, fatty foods, but I’m at the place where I know they are better for my future.

I use to watch Biggest Looser and if I’m being honest with myself I use to watch it to make myself feel better about my own weight.  Yes I hear myself! Pretty selfish. I would watch it and think, at least I’m not that big, at least I’m not that bad. Reality Check Debra. You may not weigh 400lbs but the road you were on was headed there.

I’m not adjusted yet. I still have to constantly remind myself not to eat a piece of cereal as I prepare snacks for my kids. Eating and drinking junk all day is something I’m still sitting on my hands to avoid doing. This program hasn’t become natural to me yet but I am sleeping better. I’m not as winded. I feel like I can breathe better and my energy is increasing. My heart palpation seem to be gone. My muscles don’t ache as much everyday and it’s only been a week.

The process is still a daily pep talk. Mentally and physically from friends and family. Someone  from my last blog stated that over the past couple months I have had multiple roadblocks that I have plowed through. To me those roadblocks have been icebergs. Small on the surface but huge underneath. Some I’m still plowing through. But daily I remind myself….Keep plowing.

I think it’s the thing that has encouraged me the most. The reality is that I’m not working around issues. I’m not avoiding health issues, or bypassing emotional struggles. I’m facing them head on…. and plowing through.

This week I’ve plowed through 8lbs and 10.5 inches…. and I’m not stopping for anything, even if there is a gold cupcake in the trash. Processed with VSCO with b1 preset

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Let’s Get SUPER Personal

Let’s get SUPER personal for a second. This was me….

A whole 95 pounds just about to graduate High School only a few days away from being 18. A year into college I was 105 and I could still shop in the little girls department. I could do and wear almost anything.  As life happens and my athletic life slow down I started to gain weight. Not a lot at first and it wasn’t unhealthy. I was actually healthier by gaining some weight.

0074When I met my husband in 2008 way over my ideal weight and once we got engaged, I worked hard to drop some LBS in order to fit into my dream dress. I weighted in at about 155 on the day of my wedding. It wasn’t ideal but in my mind it was still manageable. About 9 months into marriage we decided to start trying for kids. Our first month trying we got pregnant. 7 weeks in and I miscarried. The first one hit the hardest. I spent about a week in a chair, in a dark room, numb to the world. The next week I woke up and moved on like nothing ever happened. I buried the pain and moved on. Over the next year we had 2 more miscarriages. More burying, more ignoring reality and more eating. For real y’all. I was out of control. Eventual we went to a wholistic doctor to look for a natural way to fix our fertility issues before spending thousands in fertility doctors. One of the biggest things I needed to fix was my weight. I was at 230 and it was hindering our chances.

I would post a photo but by that time I stopped allowing my photo to be taken, unless it was just my face. 

In 2012 we went to Disney World and this is the only proof I have that I was actually there. 413958_239466142835034_402902473_o (2)

 

I’ll keep it small cause I’m not really proud. I was about 211 then. I had dropped enough and got pregnant for our first shortly after this. By that time weight wasn’t the concern, carrying the baby full term was the stress and struggle. Fear gripped me the entire pregnancy and held firm into the first few months Elia’s life. Pregnancy was good for my health and weight. I didn’t realize it really till about the week of her delivery and weighted in at 199 but I had dropped lbs of unhealthy fat while pregnant for her. When she turned 6 months old we got pregnant for our second. When our second turned 9 months old we got pregnant for our third. August of 2015 we had our third, and final , and I vowed to loose the weight within the year.

It’s 2017. Roman, our third, is now almost 2 and I haven’t lost the weight. 202 lbs as of today. We have had a loss in our family. We have moved states. Other various life changing things have happened but in reality I’ve just allowed them to all be excuses.

Well I’m done. I’m tired of getting winded while unloading the dishwasher. I’m done with not being able to keep up with my three very active kids. I’m tried of not being able to wear what I want or have it look right on me. I’m tired of being present in my families life but there being no proof of me ever being there cause pictures are something I rarely allow.

I’ve done the gym thing. I’ve tried the calorie counting,diet life. I’ve done diet pills and other methods and none it really working. So here we go onto a new journey. A new chapter in life. Here’s to an open page and fighting for my health back. I know it won’t always be easy but I’m determined to make it through. I’ve now officially put the facts out there. I’m telling you all I’m gonna do it… now… I’ve gotta follow through. Hopefully in a month or two I’ll feel confident enough to post an update and hopefully I’ll some good results to show.